Jokes 2

Advance apologies – these are only here for people who like old jokes…

What’s the difference between humour and odour? Humour is a shift of wit.

The Race
Every year a company had an annual boat race, Managers against Engineers.
The Engineers had 8 rowing and 1 steering.
The Managers had 1 rowing and 8 steering.
The Managers could not figure out why they lost every year so they called in a Management consultant who spent 3 weeks in a 5 star hotel with them discussing the problem.
In the end they came up with the solution: the one rowing should row faster.

A psychic midget escaped from jail. The next day the headlines read ‘SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE’.

What do you get if you cross an insomniac, dyslexic and an agnostic? Someone who sits up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

A Tramp goes into a chemist and asks for a bottle of meths. ‘No chance,’ said the Chemist. ‘I know you, you’ll drink it.’
‘I used to,’ replied the tramp, ‘but now I’m a changed man. I went to a rehab clinic and now the council found me a flat. I need the meths to get the flaky paint off the wall.’
‘That’s great news,’ said the Chemist. ‘I’ll just get the steps and get you one off the top shelf.’
‘I’d rather have one out of the fridge’.

What’s the difference between a pigeon and a goat? One mucks up fountains.

Two parrots sitting on a perch, the one says to the other ‘Can you smell fish?’

What’s black and brown and looks good on used car salesmen? A Doberman.

Why don’t sharks eat Used Car Salesmen? Professional courtesy.

A Tax Inspector was trying to teach a sheep to play chess. ‘It’s no good,’ said the Tax Inspector, ‘this sheep is thick as two short planks. It can never pick up the game.’
‘What’s the score?’ asked a colleague.
‘Four each.’

How does Estate agent differ from a Mercenary? There are some things a Mercenary wouldn’t do for more money.

What about the Student who thought the International Dateline was a 0891 number.

A committee is an object with more than six legs and no brain.

‘Mom,’ asked the little boy, ‘will you buy me a thesaurus?’
‘Don’t be stupid. You know dinosaurs are extinct.’

What is half a mile long and has an asshole in the middle? A Radar speed trap.

How many perverts does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one but it takes 8 Emergency room staff to remove it.

A man found a killer way to make money. He set up a table with potato chips, a bowl of dip and a box of toothbrushes. As people passed he would ask them to try the dip. As they tried it they would spit it out and say ‘This tastes like dog dung.’ The man would then say ‘It is dog dung. Do you want to buy a toothbrush?’

Be naughty – save Santa a trip.

A man goes to the Doctors and says ‘I have a problem with silent gas emissions. They are embarrassing. In fact, while I have been here I have had two of these silent gas emissions. Can you do anything?’
‘Well,’ said the Doctor, ‘the first thing is to get your hearing tested!’

What’s the difference between a bailiff and a catfish? One is a scum-sucking bottom dweller and the other is a fish.

Why did the chicken cross the trans-channel medium? To get to the “other side”.

Did you hear about the boy who slept with his head under the pillow? The tooth fairy took all his teeth out.

In an aeroplane, if they can make the little black box invincible, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same stuff?

Why did the punk rocker cross the road? Because he was stapled to the chicken.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools.

Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Approximately 1.0000000000000000000000

Tip – When programming computers always add these lines to your autoexec.bat:
bugs=none; crashes=OFF;